What Ciel's life has taught him
by Alykinze
Summary: Facts of life poor Ciel has had to learn the hard way! Each chappie has a different story; interactive and random! Rated T for language and crack.
1. One

**AN: Hey all! This is basically going to be a multi-chaptered fic, each chappie with different "facts" Ciel has learned in life. More info at the bottom! ~Aly_  
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><p><em>1. Sebastian never sleeps.<em>

Ciel glanced anxiously at the grandfather clock. 2:37 am. No one in the manor could possibly be up at this time. Right? He figured he was in the clear. This time of night was the highlight of his day (if that made any sense). It was the only time he was entirely...alone.

The blue-haired boy scurried over to his desk and crouched down to frantically tear through his bottom drawer. Removing the false bottom, he hungrily gazed at the scandalous luxuries he had hidden there.

A few fangirls reading this exploded a little, as they soon realized everything up to this point has had somewhat sexual undertones.

Though that's true, Ciel's sex life isn't the topic of this tale.

It's Justin Beiber.

Ciel stared at his marvelous Justin Beiber merchandise stowed away secretly in his drawer. He had t shirts, perfume, dolls, posters, folders, jewelry, pencils, a bobble-head, and, of course, "Never Say Never" on special edition DVD. The earl quickly snatched a poster from the desk and spread it against the wall, grabbing an already-efficiently-prepared tack and pinning it securely to the wall.

Gazing in a zombie-like manner towards his idol, Ciel hugged the wall and whispered, "I love you," quietly to the poster-Beiber. He gently kissed the poster and stowed it back away, sighing. Time was limited. And he was f****** tired.

After making sure his things were tucked safely out of sight, Ciel climbed back into bed, and fell asleep, dreaming of catnip.

The next day, at breakfast, Sebastian had his usual smirk on his face, but something was off. Ciel realized this and turned on the dining room light.

But something was wrong. Confirming his suspicions, the butler announced, "I know."

Ciel started hyperventilating and fainted a few times. "You know what?" he finally was able to reply, while breathing through a paper bag.

"I know that you're obsessed with Justin Beiber."

Ciel started convulsing and had some strange muscle spasms. "H-how?" he gasped.

"I'm a demon. I don't sleep. Dipshit."

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><p><strong>AN: Yay! First chappie completed :-) Basically, this is going to be a multi-chaptered fic, each chapter with a different fact Ciel has learned through his life. Each chapter will be in the similar format above - an italicized fact with a short explanation. I want this fic to be very open and interactive - I hope to get to around 50+ chappies, but I need your help! I have around 25 more ideas written down for this (they're not the best, to be honest). You can to review or PM me with a fact idea, and I'll mention your name in that chappie's author note if I use it ;) This story will be a sort of community effort - fun and light-hearted, ya know? I'll try to update every day or at least every other day. Have fun reading, and don't forget to review! ~Aly<strong>


	2. Two

**AN: Yay! Another chappie! ^^~Aly**

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><p><em>2. Claude is self-conscious about his lack of facial hair.<em>

Ciel was at Alois's house, hanging out with the blonde in his room, painting each other's toenails and chatting about how hot Brad Pitt used to be. Suddenly, Alois interrupted Ciel with a gasp of, "Hey, you know what I _love_?"

"What?" Ciel giggled.

"Facial hair!"

Ciel shrieked a fan-girlish laugh. "Me too!"

Alois started jumping up and down on his bed, guffawing like a maniac. "What's your favorite kind?"

Ciel started jumping with him, admiring his fully dried pink toenails. "I love goatees, and curly mustaches!"

"I like a full, long beard, like Gandalf."

Ciel stopped jumping and declared, "Let's yell 'facial hair' at the top of our lungs over and over again!"

The blonde agreed happily and started shouting.

"Facial hair!"

"Facial hair!"

"FACIAL HAIR!"

"FACIAL HAIR!"

"STOP MOCKING ME!"

The two boys hurriedly stopped yelling when they heard that sobbing voice. They turned their heads to see Claude rocking in the corner, crying heavily.

Through his tears, he whimpered to no one in particular, "Mommy says it's not my fault...just the way I am...evil twin...Jewish sleepaway camp..."

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><p><strong>AN: Thanks for the reviews so far! Remember to review or PM me with some ideas if ya want =) ~Aly<strong>


	3. Three

**AN: Another chapter! Thx to everyone who's reviewed/alerted/favorited so far!^^ ~Aly**

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><p><em>3. It's not acceptable to throw tantrums in public.<em>

Sebastian and Ciel were walking through London, doing random errands. That is, until, Ciel spotted an ice cream shop down the street. He sucked in a breath, eyes growing wide.

"Sebastian! I want ice cream!"

Sebastian shook his head. "No, Ciel. You haven't eat lunch yet."

"But I _want_ it!" Ciel shrieked.

The butler frowned and replied, "Master, you're too fat for anymore sweets anyway."

Ciel plopped himself on the filthy, plague-ridden street and started pounding his fists angrily on the ground, screaming at the top of his lungs, "ICE CREAM!" over and over again. His butler watched as the boy annoyingly started flailing his limbs against the cobblestone.

"My lord, your making a scene..." he muttered, but the bluenette didn't acknowledge him.

"ICE CREAM!"

People were starting to gather around the scene, pointing and laughing at the boy. A few fangirls, including Grell, were trying desperately to seize Sebastian, only to be instantly incinerated by the butler's super-amazing-demon-lazer-vision.

"ICE _CREAM_!"

Sebastian's eyes flashed pink for a second. "I will _bitch_-slap you," he warned, but the earl, again, didn't seem to hear him. The demon, getting very frustrated, misdirected his anger upon the innocent patrons surrounding him, and killed them all. With forks.

Sebastian growled slightly at Ciel, then smirked as an idea came to mind. He turned around and started walking down the street, a smirk on his face. "Fine, my lord. Act in that manner. I suppose we won't have our 'sexy time' later..."

Ciel was instantly at his side, composed. "What is our next errand?"

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><p><strong>AN: Teehee :3 Keep sending meh ideas! Oh, also, I'm making a list of the stuff your sending me - I may or may not use them, it just depends on what inspires me that certain day. Till next time, ~Aly<strong>


	4. Four

**AN: Another chappie up! Enjoy. Oh - if you don't like dead things, you may be freaked out by this chapter :3 ~Aly**

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><p><em>4. Sebastian hides dead cats under his bed.<em>

Crossing his arms, Ciel demanded, "Butler! What on earth is that smell? It's been soiling this mansion for weeks now, and I'm getting sick of it!"

Sebastian fidgeted slightly, looking down. "I already t-told you, my lord, I couldn't find the s-source of the scent..."

The earl glared suspiciously at the sexy man, and sneered, "Why are you stuttering, Sebastian?" Ciel narrowed his eyes, and then realized something.

Pinocchio just wants to be a real boy!

But then he realized something else. Sebastian knew something about the smell and wasn't telling him.

"Sebastian. This is an order. Tell me everything you know about that stench, now."

Sebastian started sobbing and shook slightly. "Do I _have_ to?" he whined.

Ciel stared at him. "Yeah."

"I don't _wanna_ tell you..."

Ciel smacked him.

The butler sniffled, defeated. "Decaying cat carcasses," he muttered.

The young boy gasped theatrically. "What?" he demanded. "Where are they?"

The demon frowned, pouting. "Under my bed..." Sebastian suddenly sprinted upstairs towards where Ciel knew his quarters was. The earl ran after him, noticing the smell was getting worse as he got closer to the room. He wondered why he hadn't realized this sooner.

Ciel through open the door to find Sebastian on the floor, cuddling with 5 or 6 dead cats, half-sobbing and half-giggling. The man started murmuring under his breath.

"It's okay, Mittens...Daddy's got you...oh Fluffy, are you cold? I'll warm you up...aw...I love you Cuddles..."

The bluenette felt like he was going to puke, or implode, or break into song and dance, or something. He forced out, "Why are they here?"

The demon glanced up and him. "It wasn't my fault!" He screamed, and threw a vase as Ciel's head. "I just...wanted to cuddle with Mittens and Frisky...but I suffocated them...I drowned Princess and Cuddles during bath time...I ate Fluffy...I accidentally froze Mr. Bigglesworth..." His sobbing was getting out of control. "I'm so sorry! I love you all!"

Ciel backed out of the room slowly, fearing for his life.

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><p><strong>AN: Was that worth the thirty seconds of reading? Hopefully! ^^<strong>

**By the way - I'm auditioning for the musical 13 in about two weeks, so my updates might not be everyday. Wish me good luck - I'm pretty confident I'll get a part, but I'm still really nervous :3**

**Review, please! (Especially if you got the Austin Powers reference) ~Aly**


	5. Five

**AN: Sorry for not updating yesterday, I wasn't feeling particularly inspired ^^ Oh well, here's a slightly longer chapter to make up for it, and it's a request (my first! huzzah)! More at the bottom, I hate long beginning-author-notes. ~Aly**

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><p><em>5. Sebastian hates messes.<em>

Around noon on a windy summer day, Sebastian decided to make a cake. He declared it would have sparkles, unicorns, rainbows, confetti, and Nick Jonas - everything that he, as an undoubtedly heterosexual male, was obsessed with.

He pranced around the kitchen, gathering all of the necessary ingredients. He also got some of his spare arsenic (he always had a little on him, just in case) and set it by his supplies, planning on poisoning Finny's piece for shits and giggles.

The butler continued on his merry way, humming "Barbie Girl" by Aqua under his breath as he finished mixing the batter. Satisfied, he turned to pour it into the cake pan, but was halted by the appearance of his young master.

"What is it, my lord?" Sebastian asked, temporarily frozen, the batter dangerously close to pouring into the heart-shaped pan.

Ciel smirked, and commanded, "Go stand in the corner, Sebastian."

"...are you going to spank me?"

"...no..."

The man, reassured, trotted off to the corner.

Ciel, the bastard, proceeded to slink over to the bowl of wet, sticky cake batter. He tried picking it up - it was a twenty-minute struggle, since he was so weak and flabby. Finally being able to lift the one or two pounds of mush, he quickly spun in a circle, stretching his arms wildly in front of him, so that the cake batter would fly out in all directions with him. The yellowish substance landed thickly everywhere, including on the demon himself.

Sebastian tried moving from his spot in the corner, but the earl stopped him abruptly, and ordered, "You are not to leave that exact spot for any reason whatsoever, unless I call for you." Ciel grinned again and started cackling his own evil Kira-laugh.

He skipped happily out of the room, shouting, "WHORE!" at Sebastian's batter-soaked-self.

The butler started twitching.

Suddenly, Mey-Rin appeared out of nowhere. She was holding several expensive plates in both hands, stacked several feet high. On top of these were priceless, fragile artifacts from ancient Egypt, and a few bejeweled glass nekos.

Oh _hell_ no.

Sebastian continued quivering immensely from his awkward stance in the corner, and watched as the clumsy redhead began to fall. It seemed to happen in slow motion. Literally. After a while, he looked at the clock - three whole minutes had past and she was still in the process of falling. Dear god.

Finally though, as dramatic-doomsday-music played in the background, the butler could only watch in dismay as shards of glass scattered everywhere, and the marvelous glass nekos shattered into millions of pieces.

The butler started crying.

Mey-Rin was unconscious, probably from falling for three minutes.

Bardroy strolled in, then stopped short when he saw what happened to the kitchen. At first he seemed shocked, but then he was _congratulatory_.

"Damn, Sebastian! I'm impressed - didn't know you could be so dirty!"

An echo of "WHORE!" invaded the butler's head, and he shuddered.

"Better clean this up with me flame thrower!" Bard continued gleefully.

"No!" Sebastian screeched, his whole body vibrating and shaking. He had never wanted to move this much in his life (did that sound innuendo-y to you?).

The ex-military official just chuckled and started up the flame thrower, starting to incinerate the kitchen, accidentally burning Mey-Rin alive in the process. Meanwhile, Sebastian kept struggling, staring disgustingly at the mess mocking him. Must. Clean. He sobbed harder.

Somewhere upstairs, the demon thought he heard sadistic chuckling. Damn Ciel. He decided to take his anger out on Finny.

"Finnian!" he hollered. "Get down here and drink your f****** arsenic!"

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><p><strong>AN: Not a lot of Ciel, but whatever ;3 This was requested by the GAKADI! Yay! Hopefully it didn't suck. Now review, or drink your f****** arsenic. ~Aly<strong>


	6. Six

**AN: Another chappie! This one isn't my best. I just couldn't resist, after seeing that World of Warcraft commercial...~Aly**

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><p><em>6. Chuck Norris thinks your a dick.<em>

Ciel and was strolling around town square, going on one of his weekly "kicking sprees". On these outings, he'd search for homeless people, dogs, babies, anything that looked hopeless and defenseless, and kick them. It was his favorite pastime, besides his "sexy time" with Sebastian and/or Tanaka.

He spotted a homeless man in the distance, and jumped for joy. He skipped blissfully over to the hobo and wordlessly kicked him in the shin. He howled and doubled over, wheezing, "I just wanted some pants..." before fainting.

Ciel noticed another bum a few yards away - Oh Goody! He proceeded to gallop in that direction, and was getting into his "kicking position" but was cut short by a harsh blow to the jaw, and fell to the ground.

Who had just punched him? He glanced up just in time to see the hidden third fist slink back beneath the shaggy beard.

It was his arch-enemy, Chuck Norris! He must've disguised himself as a hobo.

In Soviet Russia, hobo disguise you.

Ciel shouted, "Sebastian! This is an order! Kill Chuck Norris!"

The butler instantly appeared out of nowhere, grinning in his usual sexy-over-excessive-fanservice way. "Yes...my lord." The battle begun.

A few seconds passed.

Sebastian emerged bloody and sobbing. "I-I can't! He's too strong!" He sunk to his knees, shaking.

Chuck Norris crossed his arms, completely unharmed and in perfect condition. Staring at Ciel, he declared, "You are a _dick_."

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><p><strong>AN: A big shout out to promocat, the only one REVIEWING my story! 8D Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, tell your neighbor's cousin's taxidermist's local stripper to REVIEW! If I don't get more reviews, I swear to god I'll kill off Sebby tommorow :3<strong>

**Oh, one more thing - as you might have already noticed, I write with a lot of "pop culture" references - I try to refrain from centering a whole chapter around this kind of stuff (like I just did, actually). Most of these will be subtle - there was a slightly obvious Family Guy reference in this one - or will otherwise be widely known. I mean, who doesn't know who Chuck Norris or Justin Beiber is? Hopefully not you :) ~Aly**


	7. Seven

**AN: So yeah, I may just update every other day now :3 Here ya go! ~Aly**

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><p><em>7. Eye patches are for pirates.<em>

It was Ciel's first day of school. As a five year old, he was overenthusiastic about starting Kindergarten, and had even died his hair dark blue for the occasion. Kissing his Justin Beiber poster goodbye, he skipped happily to his car and buckled himself in the backseat. Sebastian, his butler, came out soon after, his appearance very disheveled from a late night of partying with Charlie Sheen and Santa Claus.

Plopping into the car, he started the engine and promptly speeded towards the school, knocking a few mailboxes out in the process. About halfway there, he turned around completely, taking his hands off the wheel, and said to the young boy, "If they ask about your bruises, tell 'em...you got hit by a bus..."

Ciel shivered, frightened. "Yes, sir."

"And if the ask why you smell like beer, tell 'em...um...'No, I don't' and run away...got it?"

"...Yes, sir."

He stopped the car abruptly in front of the school, running over a few first graders. Ciel scrambled out of the car, grabbing his Charlie the Unicorn themed backpack.

A few minutes later, he was seated in his Kindergarten class, beaming from ear to ear. The teacher, Ms. Herpes, announced, "G'morning, kiddies! Today we'll be learning about pirates!"

The class ooh-ed and ah-ed as she showed them a slide-show of several drunk homeless people, then of some peg-legged prostitutes. "This is what a pirate used to look like, class." She then began to teach them about the most famous pirate in the history of time, Whale-Rapin' Randy.

Suddenly, everyone stared at Ciel. "Hey," one kid screeched, "He's a pirate! He has an eye patch!"

Ciel sank lower in his seat, embarrassed.

The teacher nodded and replied, "He certainly does look like one. Let's through rocks at him!"

Some rocks randomly appeared out of thin air on each pupil's desk, and they instantly stared impaling Ciel with the blunt objects.

Ciel shot up from his seat and ran out of the room, crying for his mommy. Too bad she was _dead_.

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><p><strong>AN: Review, or Whale-Rapin' Randy will get you x) Review, or I won't be motivated! And send me your story ideas, plz! Oh, and now a shout out to InvaderTaz ;) Basically, if you review, I'll give you a shout out. So REVIEW (if I haven't said that enough already), it makes me happppy. ~Aly<strong>


	8. Eight

**AN: HAHA. I haven't updated in forever. Enjoy, talk to you at the end...~Aly**

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><p><em>8. Tanaka is a superhero.<strong><br>**_

A long time ago, in a very _British_ time period, lived a gray-haired old man, who fought crime and delivered happiness around England. This man was an inspiration to all; his mighty battle cry of "Ho, ho, ho" would send all of his four fangirls into fits of gasping seizures. Who is he, you ask? Santa Claus?

Very close. Santa is actually his long-lost step-brother, twice removed.

But alas, no. It is the fierce Tanaka, retired butler of the Phantomhive household, and keeper of peace throughout Victorian era London and a vacation home in Jamaica. Known by his superhero alias Super Tanaka, the senior searched for cuddles and sparkles throughout the universe as he faithfully served his earl Phantomhive.

This is his story.

Ciel was milling around the manor, bored. He was walking briskly past Sebastian when he smelt something horrible. "What the devil is that putrid-" The young master started to say before realizing the smell was coming from his butler himself. "Sebastian, you smell positively awful!"

Sebastian felt tears welling up in his abnormally crimson eyes. "I...do?"

"Yes!" Ciel wrinkled his nose. "When was the last time you've bathed?"

Sebastian blinked. "What is this 'bathing' you speak of, my lord?"

The blue-haired boy stared at him, putting his hands on his hips in his usual feminine way. "Don't be stupid. You bathe me everyday. It's when you wash, in a tub, with water, and a rubber ducky."

Sebastian smiled his famous pedo-smile. "Oh. I thought that was our 'sexy time', young master."

Ciel blushed. "Uh, yeah, but, yeah, and so...um, you need to take a bath, cuz you smell like crap..."

Ha ha. REJECTED!

The butler felt like bursting into sobs again. Hanging his head he stormed upstairs, screaming through his cries, "Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Ciel! Would that make you happy if I was never born?"

Ciel sighed, and snapped his fingers. Super Tanaka, in his bright pink speedo, appeared at once. "Tanaka. Bathe Sebastian. That's an order."

The old man nodded, with a quiet "Ho, ho, ho". Spinning around, he jumped into the air and literally flew up the grand stairs, yelling, "Super Tanaka, awaaaay!"

Ciel sighed, and skipped up to his room to watch Hannah Montana. What a _raging_ heterosexual.

Meanwhile...

_A few minutes later._

"Ah! The soap doesn't go _there_!"

"Ho, ho, ho..."

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><p><strong>AN: So yeah, I've been busy - just auditioned for a musical ("13"). Wish me good luck! The cast list will be posted in a few days, so :3 Review, or I won't update again for another, like, two weeks, teehee. Send me your ideas. OH - and that abortion line thing was 100% from Family Guy. I stole it. Hrmfhmmrn. ~Aly<strong>


	9. Nine

**AN:** **I like making people wait. Teehee. Enjoy^^ ~Aly**

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><p><em>9. Grell is planking in your basement.<em>

"Sebastian! I want a hot pocket!"

The butler frowned at his master as he tied his shoes in a 'cute' way. Ya know, the way where the laces spell out the word 'cute'. "I'm sorry master, but I ate all the hot pockets."

Ciel gritted his teeth angrily and let out a strange, animalistic growl. He kicked Sebastian in the face in a very sassy manner. "Why'd you do that? What if Jesus wanted a hot pocket? What would you tell _him_, huh? Are you better than Jesus?"

Tina Fey stood up. "I'm better than Jesus!"

Both the young earl and the demon nodded in agreement.

Sebastian stood up swiftly, wiping the blood off of his cheek. He suddenly wished he was a cat. Me-ow. "My apologies, my lord. There might be some more in the cellar. As for me, I need to dust my nekos."

With that, the butler bowed, making sure to show off his ass, and proceeded to exit Ciel's room.

"Wait!" Ciel called, causing his butler to pause and turn slightly.

Sebastian flipped his hair and answered in an emo tone, "_What?"_

"Go get the hot pocket for me!"

The demon started sobbing, his eyeliner running. "Stop telling me what to do! You're not even my real _dad_!" He then ran out of the room, recklessly flailing his limbs in an awkward way.

Ciel stomped his foot like a two year old. Ugh. He had to actually _do something_ for once.

He slowly made his way to the basement, grabbing his old-man walker thingy to assist him - the one with the little tennis balls on the ends of the legs. After a few days travel, he finally made in to the front door of the cellar, huffing and puffing. Discarding the walking tool, Ciel cautiously opened the door, afraid doing so would cause World War 5.

Inside, he found a shocking sight. Grell. Sutcliff. Planking. On his washing machine. In the basement. During the day. Around lunchtime. Hot pockets!

Gasping melodramatically, he screeched, "Ew, kill it, kill it!" And pointed at the redheaded shinigami.

Sebastian apparated to the spot with a loud pop, and instantly latched onto Grell with his awesome-mega-British-demon-butler powers.

"Bassy~!" Grell screamed, and hurried to give the demon a kiss, before instantly being incinerated by Sebastian's lazer vision.

Ciel then smacked his butler with his pimp cane and hissed, "Liar. There aren't any hot pockets down here. Just cheap, imitation, store brand garbage!"

Sebastian rubbed his face. "Ow. _Bitch_."

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><p><strong>AN:<strong> **So I'm setting this story to "complete", since I hate seeing it so sad and unfinished. But I'm still going to add to it every now and then - I know, I'm really inconsistent and mean. But whatever. =3 This chapter had, like, five Family Guy references, and other stuff here and there. Hehe. I love how Grell gets killed in his first appearance in this story...REVIEW FOR PIMP SLAPS!**

**And yeah, guess what I was craving when I wrote this? ~Aly**


	10. Ten

**AN:**Hey guys! Shit, its been over a year since I've updated this story. Nothing really has changed, though, I'm still active - I'll update this story more often if I see interest. Anyway, without further ado, enjoy! Also, keep in mind this particular chapter is very very mean, and has awful, hurtful language. Hope it doesnt seriously offend anyone ;-) **~Aly****  
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><p><em>10. Don't fuck with Gertrude.<em>

Ciel squirmed against his restraints, which were mummified bunny corpses mixed with the intestines of Channing Tatum. He was disoriented and confused and trapped in a dark room that smelt like Tanaka's ass. The last thing he remembered was burying that dead hooker in Alois's front yard - then his memory was muddied and dirty, like Sebastian's long lost secret vagina.

"Tanaka, you son of a bitch!" He shrieked, whining and throwing a tantrum.

"My puny master, please keep your annoying-as-fuck voice down. If they hear you, they'll ... come back."

"Bassy?" Ciel exclaimed, trying weakly to see his butler in the darkness. Oh hot _dog!_

Suddenly there was demonic laughter echoing throughout the fishy smelling room.

Then there was a sharp slap followed by hysterical sobbing and quacking sounds.

"I told you to shut the fuck up, Eugenia! No one likes you! No one will ever want your shriveled up Bruce Jenner looking donkey ass you stupid skank!" Ciel giggled quietly at this.

Suddenly two very obese white girls appeared in front of them. One was on the ground, bleeding profusely, and the other was eating a Fiber One bar. Both were ugly and sweaty and really mean meanies.

"Oh mah gahd, you're so hawt!" The ugly one shouted, pointing excitedly and jumping up and down. There was a mini earthquake in Zimbabwe from the impact.

"Let us go at once!" Ciel squealed.

"Mehh he's so kawaii!"

"I told you to keep your mouth shut!"

"Stop it, Gertrude! You're such a meanie butt face!"

"You know what, Eugenia? It's your fault Uncle Mom and Aunt Dad died of cancer, so why don't you just go hang yourself with your yeast-infection stained panties?"

"Real mature, Gertrude, you're the one who killed a baby when you showed him your size 72A tits, you fat whore!"

Ciel started hyperventilating. "Nyeh, Sebastian, get your lazy ass up and destroy these bitches!"

"I caaaan't," the butler moaned crying softly. "They kidnapped one of my cats."

"Nyeh! You dare disobey your mother?"

The fat one smiled at them with yellowish green rat teeth. "So are you guys gonna, like, have sex now?"

"No you stupid slut!" The obese one screamed, kicking the ugly one in the shin. She pulled out several sheets of computer paper. "According to fanfiction, he has to be raped, then killed, then brought back to life by a combination of love and Cornish Pixies, then he has to start cutting himself, then commit suicide, and then he's saved in the afterlife by Sebastian who rapes him, and then they fall in love on a cloud of butterflies and gumdrop smiles after giving birth to demon octuplets!"

Silence. Ciel blinked, then growled, "No fucking way am I going to associate with Cornish Pixies!"

"Eugenia, where did you put the condoms and Canadian spear fishing supplies?"

"Don't you dare speak to me in that tone of voice!" The ugly one started to castrate the obese one.

Sebastian started masturbating with a bullhook to the thought of catnip.

The killer fangirls closed in on them, and they made the duo do really gross sexual things. And if I were there, I would've been like, "Aw, sweet," but I wasn't. I think the fangirls died of heart palpitations, and then Sebastian and Ciel escaped, butt not before picking up some Preparation H at the drug store.

And then the hooker came back to life and took a shit on Ciel's eyepatch.

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><p><strong>AN: <strong>So yeah. This is how mature I've gotten. Review, my lovelies? :D **~Aly**


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